If The Dolphins Beat The Bills on Sunday I Will Shotgun 12 Beers B2B

You’d think that after shaving my head and watching Tate eat 300 Peeps, I’d have learned my lesson about making bets with the internet. But nope—turns out I’m as sharp as a bowling ball, and here I am, doing it all over again. This time, it’s the Miami Dolphins heading to Buffalo to take on the Bills. And let me tell you something right now: there is NO chance in hell the Dolphins win. None. Zero. Zilch. This team is Buffalo’s doormat. Every single year, they take us for a nice little walk—collar, leash, the whole thing—and leave us whimpering in the “freezing” 45 degree weather. It’s a complete bloodbath every time. 

The only remote hope we ever have of beating my abusive stepdad, Josh Allen, is in Miami. And even then, we haven’t managed to pull it off in two years. So you expect me to believe that this sorry excuse for a team is somehow going to waltz into Buffalo and steal a win this year? HA! Yeah, good luck with that. The Dolphins have a better shot at making the Super Bowl than winning this game. Honestly, Tate has a better chance of hitching a ride on Dave’s private jet than the Dolphins do of beating the Bills in Buffalo. 

There isn’t a single universe—parallel or otherwise—where Buffalo loses this game. Not one. Which is exactly why I have no problem putting my body on the line with this bet. If by some miracle the Dolphins do the impossible and win, then shotgunning 12 beers will be the least of my problems. But they won’t win, so honestly, what’s there to worry about? I’m confident—no, certain—that this ends with me comfortably planted on the couch, smugly stuffing my face with snacks instead of sucking down beer after beer. 

In fact, I plan to stuff my fat face during the game. I don’t care what we order to the office on Sunday. Nachos? Yes. Wings? Absolutely. I’ll shovel in as much food as humanly possible, knowing full well I won’t need to shotgun those beers. There’s simply no way this game doesn’t end in a Buffalo blowout. Allen will probably throw for 400 yards while we stand around like mannequins, helpless to stop him. The only mystery here is whether we’ll lose by 20 points or 30. Either way, it’s going to be ugly. 

So yeah, go ahead and mark it down—Buffalo 38, Miami 13. And when that final whistle blows, I’ll be sitting there, belly full and dignity intact, laughing at anyone foolish enough to believe the Dolphins had a chance. Because if there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s that the Bills own us. Every. Damn. Year.